The Truth…I Feel Like a Horrible Mom
Most days I feel like a horrible mom.
In fact, by 7 p.m. I am so defeated by just one four year old that I don’t know what to do anymore. Lately, meaning the last few weeks, he has been very difficult and we are now looking into adoption and family services to help us with him.
Whew, gosh. That is probably one of the hardest things I have ever said. It is almost like admitting I am a failure as a mom.
I constantly ask myself what I did wrong. Did I do this to him or did he “come” this way? Have I just not broken down his barriers yet?
I remember the first time he hit me so clearly.
We were in Russia on our second trip, the one where we were to go to court and legally adopt him and then take full custody. We had already had a difficult trip and on the second day of visiting him we were outside in the courtyard walking around with him, which was his favorite thing to do. He stumbled on a stick and fell right in front of both of us. He looked up at us, screamed as I picked him up, and slapped me across the face. He reached for my husband and immediately quieted.
The remainder of the trip he continued to take out his aggression on me. He never hit my husband. In fact, if Eric was holding him he would actually lean over to hit me. By the end of the trip I had perfected the sling (I wore him) double arm hold to prevent him from hitting me in the face.
Once home he continued to take his anger out on me. In fact, he still does. Hitting, kicking, pinching, scratching, throwing, hair pulling, etc. are his mechanisms to either get what he wants or let us know how he feels about a certain situation. In response to this, and on advice of an adoption attachment therapist, I learned to calm him using a safety hold.
There are many people who are opposed to safety holds (or restraint holds) but in order to keep myself safe, and AJ safe (because he also used self injurious behavior for a long time), I had to hold him. I HAD to protect myself and I had to make sure he was safe.
But, back to the point of me being a bad mommy…today was another tough day. AJ battled a bronchial infection two weeks ago. This meant antibiotics and a raging yeast infection…and yes….AJ gets yeast in his gut. Due to a water born bacteria called H Pylori, AJ’s digestive tract is trashed. And when I say trashed, I mean trashed. H Pylori killed his lactate enzyme, all the good bacteria in his gut, and also made it permeable. This means he now has a “leaky gut”. So, yeast not only invades his gut but also his bloodstream.
When yeast invades the bloodstream it acts as an intoxicant and causes him to act as if he is truly intoxicated. His eyes get glassy, he gets extremely hyper and can’t listen, he gets aggressive, irritable, and he also gets insomnia.
As a parent, I recognize that he sometimes has a medical reason for his behavior. As a person, it is very difficult to handle. How does one handle a child when they throw shoes at you in the car, when they laugh at you as you are trying to discipline them, when they kick you, hit you, and scratch at you when you are trying to get mittens on? How does one get him to clean up his toys when he is giggling so madly he is shaking his head back and forth so fast I think it might fall off?
How do I get him to stop sticking his fingers in my ears, my eyes, and (yes, unfortunately) in my nose?
How do I know when his medical issues are the cause for his behaviors, or when he is just being a kid, or when he is acting up because of the “adoption” stuff? We have been talking a lot about the new baby because we want him to be aware of the situation before it happens.
We felt that because of his cognitive issues it would be better to talk about it so that he truly understands. (Most of the time we do not talk about something until we get into the car because he obsesses about it. Right now I am wondering if this would have been the better way to do it.)
He continues to bring up the new baby and wants to know when he/she is coming home. He is also talking about the Desky Dom (orphanage) and keeps saying he wants to go back. Is this just confusion or is this grief? Now that we are adopting again has this brought up his memories, or lack of memories?
What do you all think? I would love some help.
Tags: Adoption, anger, bad-mommy, candida, desky-dom, discipline, Domestic, failure, grief, Guatemala, h pylori, orphanage, Russia, scared, self-injurious-behaviorRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Countries and Domestic, Domestic, My Family, Reflection
9 opinions for The Truth…I Feel Like a Horrible Mom
Michelle
Nov 19, 2007 at 11:41 am
You are so not the only one who feels that way!! I get frustrated by my own lack of patience with MAM.
From what I can see, you are one dedicated Mama who is doing everything she can to be the mom that AJ needs…..no small bill to fill. And saying that you need help just proves it all the more. Hang in there!!
Mom to JBG
Nov 20, 2007 at 1:33 am
Oh, I know that feeling recently. My son (internationally adopted) is almost four, and really giving us a run for our money lately.
He is lucky to have you hanging in there for him. Getting outside help is a good idea.
Farrah
Nov 20, 2007 at 11:55 pm
Oh Marcie… hugs to you!! I can hear the emotion. I think all of us as moms struggle with knowing what is right and how to handle our children. AJ has unique challenges, for sure, but you ARE equipped to be his mother and you ARE doing an amazing job!!
I think bringing up some of these questions/issues with someone who has seen it before and may have some answers for you will make you feel better prepared to handle the intense times when they come. It doesn’t make you a “bad mommy” to recognize that you need a little guidance. We all do.
Becky
Dec 7, 2007 at 11:22 am
I know it has been a few weeks since you wrote this, but I have to respond!!! How many days have I felt this way! My son is 7, adopted from Russia at 2yrs 11months along with another boy 11 months older. There are days when I thought I was crazy for having adopted. Why didn’t I just go for the fertility treatments to create our family?? Any way, we have been through more “evaluations” than I would have ever thought necessary. OUr oldest son, is on ADHD med and is doing well; my younger one, whom I initially thought had the fewest problems was dx’d with FAS. Finally some answers! But now what, therapy, therapy and more therapy. Occupational and attachment therapy have been the main things. The best therapy for me was having a friend who has been through it all. The screaming, hitting, biting, total disrepect,non-stop chatter, complete disregard for safety, and yes safe restraint for calming. Reading more than I probably should because there are so many opinions out there. My latest comment is, yeah they’re a handful (more like a boatload), but I wouldn’t trade them for any other kids.
Becky (my very first blog comments)
Marcie
Dec 7, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Becky, I am so glad you are here! Yes…we are in the same boat and it is a boatload.
We did do fertility treatments though and the one time we did it was so bad we had no other option. So, we went to Russia to find our son. :)
Hope you keep coming back!
Debbie
Feb 23, 2008 at 8:45 am
Hello Becky,
I just wanted to say kudo’s for your patience (if you have any left) and hang in there! I am an adoptee and feel very fortunate I had the opportunity to have a better life. I must have been quite a handful to; my parents got me at 4 years old and an earlier adoption was stopped. I was with the first family a whole year and they decided not to go through with it.
I’m sure it may have had something to do with adjustment/attachment factors but obviously at 42 years old now I wouldn’t know what. Do the therapists (if he has had any) feel as if his treatment towards you may be related to mis-treatment he had at an orphanige by the hands of a woman; thus he wants dad when getting hurt? I think anytime a child has not bonded with someone the first 3 years of their life it can be a challenge for them to trust others. Russia has a high rate of alcholol abuse too, (my biological mom was one); has he been evaluated for FAS? It really sounds like a case of oppositional behavior disorder and they have good programs and therapy that can help with this. My own daughter has ADD and though not to this extreme can be very challenging; but has now outgrown most of the behavior (11 now) that she had earlier. She would kick if she thought she was being rediculed (if you would laugh when something happen) and scream and throw fits.., say she wanted to kill someone and be extremely irritated…I think this may go along with the ADD; but boys react or act out more violently than girls do. Have the Doctors stated on his bacteria issues if there is a procedure (permanent) which can correct this? And do you feed him alot of yogurt which help balances bacterias in the body?
Please keep the faith and be patient with the little one (hard to do when most parents want a little lovey dovey cuddler) but it is a good indicator that he is willing to trust at least one person (your husband) as over time he will realize that you are his ally and not foe. There is a place on line called cafe moms..you can sign up on it and find moms who have the same interests, issues, and groups…
God Bless you and your little one:)
Marcie
Feb 23, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Thank you so much for your support.
To answer a few questions;
1. Yes, we have therapists and they do say he was neglected and abused. We believe he was abused by a broom because he was scared to death of it the very first time I brought it out to sweep. He ran screaming to the corner of a room and I could not bring it out unless he was asleep.
2. He runs to me now when he is hurt (a very good sign) and this actually changed very early on (about 2-3 weeks home) so we knew he was attaching but the aggression is still there.
3. Yes, he has been evaluated for FAS and has all of the neurological symptoms, behavior issues, and academic deficits but he has little, if any, of the facial features. He has some of the GI issues as well because Alcohol can affect the GI system in utero. We treat him as if he does have FAS.
4. We also know he has severe sensory issues that result in some of the behavior issues and aggression. He has a very low threshold for sensory input and gets tired very easily so he has trouble maintaining himself and holding himself together all day. We often just let him be and allow him to “veg” when other parents would have their children tied up in activities.
5. Regarding food and health: We have done a natural chelation to get rid of toxins (aluminum, tin, mercury, arsenic, titanium, copper, etc) as well as try to heal the gut from the damage inflicted from the bacteria and parasites. Every day he gets an onslaught of vitamins, minerals and right now he is on a yeast medication to rid him system of an overgrowth of that.
He is also on a gluten free/casein free diet and we also limit sugars, soy, and corn because of copper and yeast.
7. I do belong to several groups and I love the support they give us. I think I have been to Cafe Moms several times and I do get emails from them too.
Question for you…
Have you been back to Russia at all and have you ever been in contact with your birth mother?
Becky
Feb 23, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Debbie, thanks for your input. I am always wondering what my children will think when they are older. We are keeping our faith and learning how to be patient. I an not sure if you were talking to me when you asked your questions, but your words encouraged me none-the-less. Marcie, if your son had the eval for FAS, but has none of the facial features, he probably has FAE, of which I am sure you are aware. Thanks for keeping the blog going. Have a great day.
Kimberley
Jun 15, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Dear Marcie,
I have a natural born son who is autistic and has suffered on and off from self-injurious behaviors. The challenge is he hits himself for about fifty reasons. I call him a “behaviorally fragile child” or else the professionals don’t get it. For instance, if a car alarm or dog barks, he hits himself. Likewise, if he has an undetected toothache (he can’t talk so we dont know until we go through an exhaustice mental check list), he hits himself. Ditto things like having H-pylori, something we discovered after doctors did a rountine blood test. This explains the “glassy eyed” look our son gets after he eats and starts hitting self. Yet, this too, comes and goes. Well, at lest for today, we know he’s being treated for one reason he hits himself so with that we are grateful. I hope you keep up the fight. It seems you are a dedicated mother. What a lucky boy to have you! Also, we frequently have hands laid on our son at church. I don’t care if it takes 20 years, we’re going to keep asking God to heal this behavior and make him whole. Meanwhile, the major battles are getting doctors to do scans to check for underlying disorders–all of which can trigger self-injurious or aggressive behaivors. (My son isn’t aggressive, but it could certainly be rooted in medical issues if you have an aggressive child.)
Blessings,
Kim from San Diego
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